Creations

I feel stuck in depression and anxiety and I dont know when I will get out. My parents were abusive and they kept telling me that I’m a failure and that no one will never love me and that I’m disgustinf. At the same time they discouraged and prevented me from making friends because they said that you cant trust anyone except family. My upbringing was very family centric and I miss my grandmother’s love because she raised me when I was very little. They all don’t want anything to do with me now though. I feel like there’s a hole that came out of those relationships that I cant fill. I have stuffed animals that have unique personalities and that I talk to everyday because thats the main way that I cope. Nothing else comes close to that. I still carry those very negative feelings about myself and they permeate into everything that I do. I’m afraid of going outside and having people look at me and it takes me 10-30 minutes for me to try to leave my house but my anxiety keeps getting to me. It usually ends up with me not leaving my apartment. The thing is, I have a full time job thats very people centric. I feel like i have to do my best to show everyone that I can be great and strong and match their cheer and happiness but its a slog for me. I always keep thinking that my life will start to pick up at some point and ill be able to do things without hesitations, and that I’ll be able to have and maintain meaningful relationships. But the time never comes, not matter how many years I’m in intensive therapy and keep working on myself. I just want to live my life but I’ve spent over a decade in deep depression and I keep seeing my years fly by thinking that soon, someday, things will change. But I dont know how to cope with this. What do I do? What do I need to do? I feel like there’s no solution to this. I dont want to do anything that will hurt myself but I’m afraid that I might go to that path again. Can someone just tell me its going to be okay?