In theory, I love to fill my days. Keeping busy with academics, work, and extracurricular activities helps keep my depression and anxiety at bay. But despite my best efforts, I have yet to find the perfect—or even a remotely healthy—balance in managing my schedule. I am ambitious. I want to achieve, to be present, to take every opportunity that comes my way. And yet, I often find myself committing to too much, stretching myself thin, and ultimately burning out.
Through this, I’ve developed an “all-or-nothing” mindset. All-or-nothing thinking refers to viewing life in extremes—success or failure, perfect or terrible, all in or completely out. This type of thinking leaves little room for nuance or grace. If I don’t start my week off with a workout, I convince myself there’s no point in going to the gym at all. If I miss one class, suddenly my entire week feels ruined. If I deviate even slightly from my schedule, I feel like I’ve failed, and my instinct is to give up entirely rather than adapt.
Cognitive distortions like this are a normal quirk of the human mind. In psychology, they refer to the assumptions we make based on minimal evidence—often without questioning their validity. All-or-nothing thinking is one of the most common distortions, yet it remains one of the most difficult to overcome.
For me, this mindset is deeply tied to my past. Because I missed out on much of my high school experience due to mental health struggles, I feel an overwhelming urge to make up for lost time. I throw myself into as much as I can handle—until I inevitably crash. Sometimes I manage for a few days, maybe even a few weeks, but eventually, exhaustion sets in. I cancel everything on my schedule, retreat into myself, and spiral into self-criticism. I struggle to recognize my limits, to acknowledge that I can’t do everything without sacrificing my well-being.
What makes this even harder is comparison. On the surface, it seems like everyone around me is effortlessly balancing packed schedules, meeting commitments with grace. If they can do it, why can’t I? Why does it feel like I’m the only one struggling to keep up?
As a college student, there’s some understanding when I miss a class or take a day to recharge. But I worry about the future. What happens when I graduate? When I have a full-time job? When I have a family? You can’t just decide not to show up for work or take care of your family because you need a mental health day once a week. Life keeps moving, responsibilities keep piling up. How do I learn to cope now so that I’m prepared for later?
This is a recurring topic in my therapy sessions. This all-or-nothing mindset—and my tendency to worry about the future—holds me back from fully embracing the present. My therapist often reminds me of a conversation we had four years ago. At that time, I was convinced I wouldn’t be able to handle college. I wasn’t physically attending high school, so how could I possibly succeed in a college setting? I believed that my professors wouldn’t understand my struggles, that I was on a path to failure before I even began.
But here I am—more than halfway through college. Not just surviving, but thriving. The fears I had then evolved into new fears, new worries. But if there’s anything I’ve learned through this growth, it’s that the only way out is through.
Life isn’t all or nothing. There is space for flexibility, for progress over perfection, for grace in the in-between moments. And while I may not have found the perfect balance yet, I am learning. One step at a time. ~ Juliana C.
Works Cited:Albert Bonfil, PsyD. “Cognitive Distortion All or Nothing Thinking: Anxiety + Depression.” Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Los Angeles, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Los Angeles, 7 Jan. 2024, cogbtherapy.com/cbt-blog/cognitive-distortions-all-or-nothing-thinking.
